Where I’m at
Hey everyone, I think it’s time for a check-in. 🙂
I’ve been bad about posting updates this semester about how my senior year is going. I was hoping to post at least once a week, but life started happening and things started pilling up and I had to take a break to take care of that. Even now I have a long laundry list of things I’m “supposed” to be doing but I feel like I need to take a brief step back for the day at least and do some deep reflection on myself.
Where am I at? What am I doing? Where am I going? Tough questions to answer, but I’ve been getting them a lot lately and I have a lot to say on this subject.
From the beginning of this semester I’ve been freaked about this idea of closure, of leaving a place I just now finally grew comfortable, happy, belonged. I’m not an easy person to get to know, I’ve created a lot of barriers over the years to protect my highly feeling and emotional self. I don’t like to let others in until I know I can trust them, and I’m constantly getting up in my own head worrying about how other people perceive me, judge me. I’m fully aware of this, yet I still can’t help in wonder and worry to my own detriment sometimes, but I’ve seriously been working on this and it’ll come in due time that I overcome my barriers much faster than three years. Point being, I’ve found some people who I can now finally take these barriers down for, and it’s the final year with all these people, in this community during this free time in our lives. I’m running out of time. (don’t worry, I’ll revisit this in a sec, just want to touch on another deep topic first)
At the same time I’m also being faced with the idea that I now have to have a plan beyond what my next semester of classes will look like and what fun adventure I may have over winter break, spring break, or the summer. I have to join the “adult world” loaded with the expectations of finding a place to live, taking care of myself (which means I need to know how to make myself meals three times a day, schedule all the health/well-being appointments, pay bills/taxes/insurance, do laundry, iron nice clothes to look even nicer, navigate a city- I could go on) getting a job/going to grad school. I’m having the rug pulled from beneath my feet, my security blanket is gone. I’m all grown up, time to fly solo. Cue the freaking out, major freaking out.
But since I’m a person who likes control, having it all together externally, I pretend, put on this fake facade that I’ve got it all together. Then I make sure that I keep myself so impossibly busy that I can ignore the fears, the questions, the doubts, “the future.” I can avoid it all because there is always something immediate that I need to take care of, that needs my full attention more. I’ll keep it up for as long as I can, this is one of the things that I can so procrastinate the sh** out of, because the anxiety was not a monster I felt ready to face. I was happy in my bubble of busyness, that I could handle, that was a place where I felt confident in, that felt definite and safe.
Well that’s not right. That’s not where I should be at!! That’s being stuck and the exact opposite of progressing. WAKE UP BRYN!!!!!!
Fortunately, I know. I know that I can’t avoid this. Time to get real:
Where am I? What am I doing?
I’m in my senior year of college, about to register for my final semester of classes. I’m in the middle of my senior seminar-senior capstone course. The course that helps me to define my last four years of college and showcase my growth as both a person and an artist. I’ve been neglecting schoolwork (mostly my own artwork and blog posts), and responsibilities like my role as the Chair of SGFF, and creating informational videos for my work-study position in the D-Center. I’m stressed, tired, anxious, probably over-committing myself, but overall I’m doing okay. I’m mostly positive and am quick to snap myself out of the negative/fearful mindset when it comes along. Reflecting has really helped with that, because looking back at everything overall…I’ve got a pretty fantastic life. I’m in the middle of creating my process presentation for my senior seminar, which has me doing a lot of looking back in time, and honestly, I’ve had a pretty f***ing fantastic life. So while this freak out is temporary, at least I know that this struggle isn’t going to be the end of the world, and that I can get through this.
Where am I going?
I’m not sure. But hell, that is completely fine! I don’t need to have it all figured out right now!! I’m young, I don’t need to have it all planned. I can take time to figure it out, reflect on my path, reflect on where I am, and where I WANT to go. Everyone (well at least all my other senior friends) is feeling exactly like I am right now, we are all scared, we are all nostalgic, we are all lost, confused, unsure. AND THAT IS OKAY. I just need to allow myself to breathe a little, take time for myself to figure out what I want and how I’m doing to go about achieving those dreams and aspirations. Right now I have ideas, maybe interior design, definitely some form of design, with the idea that I’m okay with moving around potentially. I know I have a supportive family so I can feel secure that they’ll always have my back and help me navigate my future, and this current confusion/uncertainty I’m facing right now. Maybe taking a break to focus on my next move is indeed my next move. I don’t need to run off to grad school right away, because I know I want to be certain about my decision and the program I choose, so allowing myself to not jump right in like I always do could be the thing that helps ease my freak out. 🙂 I’ll figure this out and I’ll continue to progress through life, make impacts, and be my authentic self.
Oh and the friend issue I mentioned above, yes it’s going to be hard to say goodbye after just really feeling a connection. But one of the greatest things about our modern-technologically advanced- world is that I can always stay in contact, and plan trips to see them. It won’t be the same but at least I will still have them in my life! They’re not going away and they can’t get rid of me that easily! 😉
For the record, I started staking, physically shaking while writing this. I take it as a sign that I am releasing all my built up pressures I’ve been inherently been storing within for no particular reason. I think this is just what I needed. I’m going to sleep well tonight and I feel inspired to work hard tomorrow. 🙂 Thanks for reading my rant on life.
Until next time,